Good Vibrations
Men And Stuff And Why They Hold Onto It
There’s a real mystery to men and stuff and why they hold on to it that will probably keep archaeologists scratching their heads for the next two millennia. It’s probably fairly certain that the average man will collect more stuff and hold onto it then any other creature that’s ever evolved on this planet. Men and boys and their toys only differ by how much of it they have, it would seem.
For example, consider a ski helmet. It may be that this harmless little helmet — sitting all alone in the corner gathering dust and threatening nobody, no person or country, even — was obtained during freshman year of college. Never mind that that freshman year was back when Jimmy Carter was busily running for president, it’s over in that corner nonetheless and isn’t going anywhere.
This helmet will probably be found by archaeologists 4 million years from now, petrified and yet still sitting in what was once the corner of a room. No man in his right mind wants to get rid of a helmet they used only once, correct? Perhaps this is because it’s a tie to a past that’s long gone and at least eight waist inches ago, but who really knows? Certainly no man does.
Another fine example of things men never get rid of is the typical black sport watch. This particular item most likely broke down when Bill Clinton was running for president back in 1992 and there’s no hope of getting it fixed. But the memories attached to the watch somehow require that the watch itself be present in order to send out all those positive vibes. At least, that’s what most men believe.
At any rate, most women who are around men in some form or another understand that the opposite sex has an inordinate love of all things arcane, obscure and memorable (to them at least). Good luck trying to get a guy to let go of something like a pair of parachute pants that were last popular when the mid-80s turned into the late 80s. Those pants aren’t going anywhere, it would seem.
Other memories that men like to access are of events like long ago days spent playing sandlot baseball. That has to be the reason for why that cracked and moldy black helmet — which never was very good at protecting a delicate head from a very hard-thrown baseball — is still sitting in his basement. Certainly, his head can’t even come close to fitting in it, but the helmet also isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
And this is why men are probably the best collectors of stuff that will never be worth much of anything than any other creature on this planet. They grow attached to the strangest things, especially those things that show no promise of ever being worth anything. But that’s probably why men and boys were created the way they are; they are probably the human race’s living memory bank, and that’s a good thing.
Beach Boys – Good Vibrations
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