Dont Say
He Says He’s Sorry For Cheating And Having An Affair But I Don’t Buy It
I recently received correspondence from a woman who was very much conflicted, confused, and in pain. She had recently found out that her husband had been cheating on her with a coworker. The cheating was essentially an affair that had lasted about four months and had ended, at least in the wife’s mind, when she found some text messages, put two and two together, and confronted him.
To the husband’s credit, he immediately admitted the affair, reassured the wife that he would immediately end it, asked for a job transfer, and begged for her forgiveness. He repeatedly apologized and said he was sorry, but the wife was having a very hard time believing this. She told me that she suspected that if she had not found the text messages, the husband would still be cheating with the coworker and the affair would be continuing to intensify. She suspected that the husband didn’t want to end the marriage because he knew that it would cost him a lot of money and because he did not want to lose access to his children.
The wife wanted to know if she should believe that her husband was really sorry. And, if so, how could she ever convince herself of this when the little voice in the back of heard was telling her that his saying he was sorry was just the convenient thing to do, rather than the sincere thing that he really wanted to do? I will tell you what I told her in the following article.
While It’s Encouraging When A Husband Says He’s Sorry About The Affair, His Actions Will Prove To Be More Meaningful Than His Words: Very few women completely believe their husband’s apologies in this situation. This is just normal. After all, he’s already shown that he has the ability to lie to you, so it would almost be silly for you to blindly believe him. The truth is, most of us have serious reservations and doubts all through this process. But, at the end of the day, you really have to ask yourself if you want to move forward to see what happens.
You usually don’t know what will happen and you might not hold out much hope that he’s sincere. But, you aren’t likely to know if his assertions are true or not unless you go forward and see what happens. This doesn’t mean that you have to move forward blindly and pretend that you believe everything that he says. But, sometimes, you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to see how this plays out and to give him the chance to prove that his words are true.
Over time, it will typically become apparent if he’s sincere and if he’s going to take responsibility and do what he says that he will. But, you will not know this if you never let it play out. Only you can decide if this is something that you want to do. But sometimes, even if you have the biggest doubts, you will come to learn that you’re pleasantly surprised at his actions in the coming months. And I have to tell you that not all husbands apologize after cheating. Some are very indignant and non apologetic.
It Generally Takes Some Time For Both Of Your True Feelings To Become Apparent After The Affair: In the initial days and weeks following learning about his affair, you’re both likely to feel intense feelings that might overwhelm you at first but then change over time. The shock and intense emotion of the situation may make things quite volatile and unbearable at first. You’ll typically both be scrambling to cope with the fall out of this and some of things said may be reactions to a situation that changes.
I often tell people that the way you feel in the beginning might not be the way that you feel six months to a year from now. You typically don’t have all of the information at that time and you haven’t yet begun to process this or to do the work that is often needed to heal. So, both the husband’s and wife’s feelings might change and evolve over time. Things that are said in the beginning may or may not be indicative of the situation.
What Many Husbands Express To Me About Their Sorrow Over Cheating On Their Wives: Before I go any further, I have to tell you that I’m not defending cheating husbands. I would never do this as I’ve been the “cheated on” and I know how badly this hurts. But, I’ve also had the opportunity to dialog with many men who sometimes, for whatever reason, ask for my advice. I can tell you that many of them do appear to be genuinely sorry, but they know that you don’t believe them when they say this and are going to keep them at arm’s length.
They will often ask me how they can make their wives believe them when she’s not listening to anything that they say. Or, if she is, she automatically doubts these words. The answer that I will typically give is that they have to demonstrate their sorrow with their actions over an acceptable period of time. How long this takes is going to vary for each couple.
But the real key for the husband (and ultimately for the wife too) is to hang in there. If the husband is continuing to be present, to do whatever needs to be done to help the wife heal, and continues to show his accountability, responsibility, and remorse in any number of ways, eventually these actions should begin to have some validity if the wife is really receptive to restoring the trust and saving the marriage.
Of course, it’s up to the wife to decide that. But usually, this is not a decision that you can make immediately. Things change during the course of this process. Some husbands will pleasantly surprise you and some aren’t given this opportunity because the wife decides to follow her disbelief. This is really a personal decision. But I can tell you from experience that some husbands are being sincere and will show this to you over time if you allow this to happen.
There was a time when I thought I would never believe my husband or get over his affair, but this is in the past. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
About the Author
Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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